Ashes to Ashes
by Kaliope Agathon
Summary: Helo, Zack and Kara were friends at the academy. After the Cylon attack priorities shift and people move on - but Helo will never forget his friend. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: **The characters belong to the creators of Battlestar Galactica; I just borrowed them for my amusement.

**Author'****s note: **Well, what can I say… in the beginning this was meant to be a humorous piece, seeing that there aren't very many humor stories about Battlestar. While I was writing, however, I remembered the reason for the aforementioned absence and the story kind of developed a life of its own. Please leave me some reviews!

**Ashes to ashes**

"I think I want to marry her." Feeling a little bit guilty Zack Adama thumbs his roommate's back to try to prevent him from choking on his dinner. "Easy there big fella, I said I wanted to marry her, not you. Don't act so shocked." Zack smiles at his little joke and notices with relief that his friend seems to have gotten himself back under control. The big guy is downing a glass of water now and already reaches out for the bottle to refill his glass. His face is still bright red from his recent near death experience with a half-chewed chunk of steak but his breathing slowly evens again. "Would you care to run that by me again?" he finally says, looking at Zack like he has never seen him before.

Zack smiles sheepishly. "I, Zack Adama, am in love with Kara Thrace. I, Zack Adama, want to marry Kara Thrace." His smile turns into a big grin. He expectantly looks at his roommate, waiting for him to say something. "That is so… I mean, I really think that… I never would have… are you out of your frakking mind?" Zack frowns. "Why would you say that? I love her, I want to be with her, this is the perfect time and I just know it."

Karl Agathon looks at his friend with a mixture of disbelief and amusement. "Don't you feel that you are a little bit young for marriage? And who tells you that Kara is the right one? Maybe you should get a little more experience before making that decision." Zack snorts. "Just because you can say "There is this girl I know" on pretty much every colony doesn't mean that everyone has to think this way." Karl cannot help but grin smugly. "Actually there is this girl I know on…" Zack holds up his hands and laughs. "Don't even think about saying it. I have heard and witnessed enough of your girl-stories to last me a lifetime."

Karl shrugs. "You are right, this is not about me. So tell me again, what exactly brought this on?" he questions. Zack actually takes some time to think about his answer. He knows he does not need Karl's approval, but he does want his friend to understand - especially in light of his own history with his soon-to-be fiancé. Zack is almost positively sure Karl has no idea that he knows about what happened between him and Kara in their first year at the academy. It was over long before Zack entered the picture and even though it felt weird to him when he first found out he has gotten quite used to the thought by now.

Truth be told, he would have been surprised had the two not slept with each other. His Kara is a wild child and Karl is definitely no clergy man himself. On top of that, he is also ruggedly handsome and very confident. From what Zack has witnessed, Karl is demanding and domineering, gently, but firmly. He is used to having women swoon over him and he shows it. He was, in other words, the perfect prey for Kara Thrace and of course she spotted him on their first day at the academy. Kara and Zack have been open to each other from day one and so of course he knows everything. Kara always likes a challenge and Karl definitely presented a challenge to her.

Physically, she is not his type. Zack has had more than enough early morning run-ins with Karl's conquests to be sure of that. But even though she lacks the very much defined feminine curves and long hair Karl appreciates so much, her passion was just too strong for him not to notice. And in the end, they both pursued each other, each viewing the other as a rather formidable conquest. Zack has always been sure that this history is part of the reason why Kara and Karl are still good friends today. Neither could dominate the other and that has made them respect each other all the more.

No, Zack is not jealous at all. Regardless of his womanizing ways, once Karl has decided to be loyal to someone, one can rely on him for basically everything. Zack is sure that Karl would never try to rekindle an old passion with Kara but he also knows that Karl cares about her deeply. He racks his brain to find the words which will put Karl's mind at ease. He needs words that will assure him of how serious Zack is taking his commitment to Kara. Of course, he also needs to convince his friend that he has not totally lost his mind.

"For weeks now I have had this strong feeling that something is going to happen in my life. Something that is so big, it will change the course of my life forever. I do not know why, but I just feel that maybe this is what I am supposed to do. I love her now, I will love her tomorrow. So whether I get married to her today or tomorrow does not really make a difference, wouldn't you agree?" Zack can tell by the look on Karl's face that he very much disagrees, but he ignores him for now. "I just need someone to talk to about this. I do not want to botch this up, this has to be special."

Karl shakes his head. "What can I tell you about marriage, though? I grew up with a single mother, remember?" Zack shrugs. "My parents did not really have a blissful marriage either, yet I still want to marry Kara. That excuse does not work with me, my darling." Zack ducks just in time to avoid the bread Karl throws at him. "Well, _my darling_ I guess we should talk about the details then. When are you going to ask her?" Zack sighs. "That is exactly what I do not know yet. I was thinking about a Viper…" Karl snorts. "You want to propose to her in a Viper? The two of you do not even fit into one Viper."

"Well, I was thinking that maybe I would wait until she sits down in her Viper then I will climb up ladder, too and ask her." Karl raises his eyebrows. "Brilliant idea – so you climb up the ladder and ask her, she says yes, you try to sweep her in your arms and you both crash to the ground. Yes, I think I like that." He grins at Zack, who frowns. "You know, I had not even thought of that. But you are right, I would probably want to sweep her into my arms afterwards and the Viper makes that difficult. I have to think of something else."

Karl scrunches his face up in thought. "How about this: You frak her senseless and then you propose to her. She laughs at you and fraks you senseless to make you forget that idea. You have to admit, it is a much more realistic scenario." Zack cocks his head. "Now if that isn't Mr. Romantic talking. I know you do not want to hear this, but I think Kara is ready to marry me. Trust my gut-instincts my man. I would not want to ask her, were I not sure that there is a good chance she might accept."

Karl seems to think about that while he finishes his dinner. "Well, by now you know her way better than I do. I guess if you say she is ready then she probably is ready. Well, if I cannot stop you two lovey-dovey fools from rushing into a catastrophe I might just as well give you my blessing." He clears his throat and looks at Zack with twinkling, but serious eyes. "I hereby allow you to propose to my good friend Kara Thrace. May you live happily ever after – and now I need a drink!" Zack allows his shoulders to slump forward with relief. "I was hoping you were going to say that. And it just so happens that I have a bottle of fine ambrosia within these walls."

He quickly gets up and walks to his locker, removing the treasured bottle from within. He has been saving it for a special occasion and considering he has yet to ask the most important question, he feels that the time is just about right. "To Kara and you" Karl toasts him and Zack raises his glass with enthusiasm. They are sitting comfortably now, enjoying the pleasant buzz of the alcohol already running through their systems. Zack clears his throat. "You know – in a wedding it is customary to a best man. And I would like you to be my best man." Karl almost drops the glass in surprise. "Really? Wow. I mean, that is a great honor Zack, I mean, I am flattered, really … but why me?"

Zack smiles at his best friend's babbling. He can tell Karl appreciates the gesture, but does not really know how to interpret it. Maybe he should elaborate a little. "Well, you are my best friend, Kara is very fond of you and that makes you to be perfect combination. Besides, as soon as she says yes she is probably going to hunt you down to make you accept her offer of being her best man also. There really is not any woman at the academy close enough to her to be the maid of honor and I am sure she would much rather have you as her best man than some giggling cadet. I just wanted to be first for once." Karl is positively beaming now. "Yes, I can imagine that. Wow, I still do not really know what to say. I mean, of course I am going to be your best man, and hers too if she wants me to be – but what about your brother? Shouldn't he have been your first choice?"

Zack smiles wistfully. "You know, I thought about it. But for some reason, it just does not feel – right. I mean, I love him and he likes her, too, but that is just the thing. I think he might like her a bit too much. Not enough to try to steal her away from me, but maybe enough to feel uncomfortable as my best man in this situation." Karl shakes his head. "Lee and Kara? No way. Your brother is way too uptight to fall for somebody like Kara." Zack clucks his tongue thoughtfully. "Well, you know what they say about opposites attracting, don't you?" Karl throws his head back and laughs loudly. "You know, I think I have used just about every relationship justification cliché to my advantage over the past couple of years. I still do not see it though."

"Well, I guess it is not important if you see it or not, the important thing is, that you said yes and I have a feeling that Lee will not mind too much if you are our best man." Karl snorts. "Of that I would not be so sure. Your brother gets insulted really easily, if I recall correctly." The younger Adama boy fills their glasses again. "Never mind my brother. Come on, another toast; to my happiness!" Karl looks at his best friend fondly. "To your happiness."

******************

The pain is bad. It is so bad, in fact, that Karl considers slamming his head against the wall to numb it. He is pacing up and down the room, sits down only to jump right up again. Stillness means time to think and thinking is the last thing Karl wants to do right now. His breathing is coming in short rash gasps, the pain inside him building up with alarming speed. His eyes are unfocused and so he cannot help but miss the table standing in his way. The contact does not hurt, he merely bumps against it with his thigh, but the small thumb is enough to turn his pain into a searing fury. With a roar he hauls the table across the room. The table is soon followed by the two chairs.

Throwing things helps, Karl decides, throwing things is good. Almost blindly he grabs various loose objects in the room and sends them crashing against the walls. His fist clenches around a cool, glass surface and he is just about ready to throw when he registers what he is holding. All of a sudden, the anger leaves him and is replaced by a searing pain that makes him feel as is someone is trying to rip his heart out of his chest. He stumbles backwards until his back meets the rough texture of the walls and slowly he sinks down until he is sitting in a heap on the ground. His hand is still clutching the bottle of ambrosia and all of a sudden his large body is shaking with sobs.

His best friend is gone - dead and gone because of a frakking Viper accident. The thought still seems unreal to him but the destruction of the room is visual proof of the fact that something far more valuable than glass and wood were shattered today. Of course he knew Zack was not exactly the best pilot in the fleet. But somebody who passed basic flight training should not be killed on his first solo flight. Karl still cannot believe it has happened, cannot comprehend how something as simple as a routine solo flight could have gone so wrong. But he has seen the debris with his own eyes; he has seen them carry the body away under a black sheet. And Kara has seen it, too. Karl squeezes his eyes shut and his hold on the bottle tightens. No, thinking of Kara is definitely also not a good thing to do tonight.

His hands relax and some color returns to his pale fingers. He props his knees up and concentrates on the half empty bottle now. He remembers this bottle very well. They used the content of this bottle to toast toward a happy future for Zack and Kara – a future that will never take place now. He slowly unscrews the lid and downs a good quarter of the remaining liquid. "To your happiness, Zack?" Karl croaks out.

Another surge of fury rips through him and he slams the bottle against the wall next to him. It does not matter now. Nothing matters at this moment, not the broken bottle, not the fine drops of blood that are dripping down Karl's now mangled fingers. All that matters is that Karl has loved Zack Adama like the brother he has never had and now that brother is gone and dead. Again, his mind fleetingly drifts towards Kara and Lee as well, Zack's real brother. He stops himself before he can actually try to imagine how Lee must feel right now. He sits like this for a long time, staring into an empty space.

It is almost morning when Karl finally feels strong enough to stand up. His joints pop and his muscles protest after having stayed in an unnatural position for so long, but by now Karl is too exhausted and feeling too numb to even notice. He carefully steps across the remains of their furniture and sinks down onto his bed. He has almost drifted off to sleep when his eyes are caught by a white slip of paper sticking out of his drawer. With slow, almost gentle movements he removes the paper from the drawer and looks at his own handwriting. Some of the words are crossed out, some he can barely make out. He has spent almost two months working on his speech for Kara and Zack's wedding but all he has come up with so far is written on this sheet of paper.

Karl's eyes are suddenly brimming with tears and he quickly squeezes them shut. He is too tired to cry, right now, he only wants to sleep. His hands are still clenching the paper. With slow, even breaths he forces himself to relax. Carefully he tries to smooth out the crinkles, not being able to bring himself to actually throw it away. He feels that maybe, one day in the distant future, he should give this to Kara. Not now of course, but maybe later. A reminder of the friendship they all had. He gently places the sheet back in his drawer. The motion seems to take up all the energy he had left and soon Karl is sleeping.

**************

"It was me who killed him." Starbuck looks at Helo with a mix of bitterness and despair as she speaks. Her friend seems to have been frozen in mid-motion, his fruit-sucker hanging limply from his mouth. She knows it is a bit unfair to spring this on him just out of the blue, but she needs to talk to somebody or else she is going to go mad. Ever since Lee visited her in the brig after his arrival Kara has been feeling like her head will explode and the small confined space of her cell makes pacing very difficult. She looks at Helo again and watches him slowly take his sucker out of his mouth. He carelessly throws it into a waste bin and when his eyes meet hers they are filled with confusion. "What do you mean? You did not kill Colonel Tigh, even though I am sure he was just about ready to kill you after that stunt you pulled during the game. Not that you were wrong, but you know how the XO is."

Kara waves her hands dismissively. "I am not talking about that frakked up drunk. I am talking about Zack." Helo's look of confusion changes to a disapproving frown. "Don't say that. You were nowhere near that Viper when he crashed it. You could not have prevented what happened. Don't do this to yourself. Did Lee say anything? I saw him just now at the briefing and he looked a little tense." Kara snorts. "I bet he did. He still blames the old man for what happened to Zack. He does not want to be anywhere near his father. And it is my fault, Helo. I could have prevented their relationship from becoming so strained. If I had only had the guts to speak out when it first happened, they would not have wasted the last two years by not speaking to each other."

Helo sighs. "Kara, what happened between Lee and the Commander is not your fault. And Zack's death is definitely not your fault. If he was here now he would kick your butt for even saying that." Kara's hands are gripping the bars of her cell so tightly that Helo can basically see the color leaving them. "But it was my fault Helo. It truly was. I passed him. I passed him in basic flight training." Helo frowns. "Yes, you were his instructor. He completed the course and you gave him a passing grade. That does not make you responsible. Nobody could know this would happen." Kara eyes are suddenly filled with pain and for the first time in this conversation, Helo is actually alarmed. He suddenly has a feeling as to what she is about to say and he briefly closes his eyes, willing her not to say it. Kara takes another deep breath and when she says the words Helo is dreading to hear, her voice is completely calm. "Yes, there is somebody who could have known this would happen – should have known this would happen. He wasn't a good pilot. If he had been anyone else but Zack, he would not have passed. I passed him because I loved him. And with my love I killed him."

For a long time Helo does not say anything. Kara finally cannot stand it any longer. "Please say something. Anything." When Helo's eyes meet hers, they are full of compassion. "Oh Kara." He does not go on; he obviously does not know what else to say. Kara relaxes and releases the breath she has been holding. Things are going to be alright between her and Helo. He is not going to condemn her. "I think I have to tell Lee about this." Helo's eyes snap wide open. "Are you insane? He is going to hate you forever for this. And what if Adama finds out? They are going to turn all their hate on you. Do you really want that?" Kara shakes her head. "Of course I don't! But I can't stand seeing them like this any longer. I thought Lee had gotten over it, but he hasn't and it is not only hurting him, but the old man as well. He is like my father. Had things gone differently he would have been my father. And Lee…" Kara sighs. "They are my family and I need to protect them and watch out for them. And if this is the way to do it, then I will have to. Besides, Galactica is going to be decommissioned soon. When the festivities are over I can leave if they want me to."

Helo gives her a gentle, yet sorrowful smile. "You already lost Zack. He was like family to you. I know you think this is the right thing to do for them, but is it the right thing to do for Kara Thrace? You might have passed Zack, but he could have died in battle just as easily. A lot of good people have died in battle." Kara shrugs. "There is no battle, Helo. And I have to do this. I don't know much about families, but if it is best for my family if I let them go, then I will let them go. Maybe it is better if I stay alone. My love is not healthy for anyone." Unconsciously Kara slowly reaches her hand through the bars as she speaks. Helo takes the hint. He takes a step towards the cell and his fingers interlace with Kara's fingers. "You have never been unhealthy to me."

********************

The nights are cool on Caprica at this time of year. Starbuck wraps her arms around her body to stay warm, as she walks through the camp of the resistance. She will probably pay Ander's a visit in his quarters later, but for now she just wants to walk a little. The night is very clear and Starbuck can see the stars shining as if nothing has happened; as if everything is still alright. Slow, heavy steps are walking in her direction. Starbuck does not slow down. She knows that walk and she also knows Helo will have no trouble catching up with her. When he reaches her, she looks at him out of the corner of her eyes. He looks older and a lot more mature than when she last saw him in the brig on Galactica. Living alone on Cylon infested ground with only a skin job toaster for company can do that to a man, Kara figures.

She is expecting him to talk about Sharon and so his first question comes as a bit of a shock to her. "How did it go with Lee and Adama?" At first Kara has no clue what he is talking about. Then she remembers their last conversation and she shudders. "It did not go… particularly well as you might imagine." She walks quicker and Helo adjusts to her speed with ease. "I told Lee first. It went better than I thought. But telling the old man…. It was awful Helo. He threw me out of his office. I think he wanted to hurt me. I did not blame him though, I would have hurt myself. And when I went back to my quarters I panicked. I knew I had to do something to make him forgive me. So I went on a dangerous mission. I crashed and hurt my leg. But I brought back a Cylon raider. And then I was at the hospital. I was so afraid he was not going to forgive me. It is funny, there are so many things we could be afraid of in these times… but at that moment the scariest thing to me was him never forgiving me. But he did. He looked for me. He did not stop until he found me. And he forgave me."

Helo's tired eyes light up with a smile. "That is great Kara." Kara smiles wistfully. "Yeah, it sure is. You know, in a way that is maybe the only good thing the Cylons did when they wiped out the colonies. We have lost too many people to dwell on revenge, anger and resentment. The old man forgave me, because he did not want to lose me, too. I am not sure he would have done so, if all of this had not happened." Helo considers her words carefully before he answers. "Maybe. Maybe not. Does it really matter now?" Kara gives him a small smile. "No, I guess it doesn't." They walk along in silence for a while. "And what about Lee? How are things going with Lee?" Kara snorts. "I think he is going to hook up with Dualla. Just a feeling." Helo chuckles in response. "Yeah, I always thought that someone like Dee would have been a good partner for Lee." Starbuck looks at him curiously. "What makes you say that?" Helo smiles affectionately at her. "Let us just say that I have had that conversation before."

He does not say anything else and Kara decides to let the matter drop. They have reached the sleeping quarters now and Kara feels a pang of pity when she sees Helo staring at the door that leads to Sharon's sleeping quarters. Or rather, the toaster's sleeping quarters. And not any toaster… a pregnant toaster. Kara still cannot wrap her mind around the concept but she feels that Helo does not want to talk about that tonight. Now that she thinks about it, he has never been very open about his feelings for any version of Sharon Valeri. Kara worries about the situation they will walk into aboard Galactica. Two Sharon Valeri's on one ship is bound to not go over very well. She is sure Helo is worried about that, too, but as always, he does not let it show. Pretty much like when Zack died. To an outsider he was calm and collected Helo, a pillar of strength and comfort. Kara is positive that is the only one who ever noticed the little scars along his fingers that appeared just after Zack's death and never went away.

She gives her old friend a pat on the back. "You should go to sleep now. Who knows what tomorrow will bring." Helo nods in approval. His eyes drift to Sam Ander's quarters and for a moment the sparkle returns to his eyes as he gives her a small grin. "I think you should go to sleep, too." He emphasizes the word 'sleep' and Kara cannot help but grin in return. "Absolutely" she agrees. With determined steps she walks towards Sam Ander's quarters and when the tall, slender resistance leader wraps his arms around her, all thoughts of Sharon, Lee, Adama and Zack are swept away with the passion of his embrace.

***************

"I just got married". Helo knows he should be used to his closest friend's affinity for springing their life-changing decisions on him without a warning but that still does not prevent him from choking on his water. With a tiny look of guilt on her face Starbuck pounds her small fist on his back, to keep him from suffocating. Helo experiences an interesting sensation of deja-vu as he slowly regains his breath. He looks at Starbuck with wide eyes. "You got married? To whom?" Kara gives him a sheepish smile. "I got married to Sam, actually. Was there ever any doubt?" Helo wisely decides to let her last remark pass without an answer.

"Wow, that is… unexpected. And a little insane, but hey, that's ok. Well, at least today I will definitely have an interesting story to tell to Sharon when I return to Galactica." Kara grins. "Glad to be of service". She stands up to go but Helo decides he won't let her get off the hook that easily. "Wait a second. I know I am probably not the best person to ask you this, seeing how I am known as the Guy-married-to-a-Cylon, but do you think that was a wise decision? As I said, it seems kind of rash. Like you did not give it too much thought." For a second something like panic flickers in Kara's eyes but it is gone so soon that Helo is wondering if he imagined it.

"I don't know. I just felt that this is what I was supposed to do. It just felt right somehow. And besides, whether I get married today or tomorrow does not really matter in times like these now, does it?" For the second time within ten minutes Helo feels like the wind has been knocked out of him. It takes all of his self-control to keep his features calm. This is too weird even for a deja-vu and even though he technically is on duty, he would not say no to a stiff drink right about now.

"Well, I guess you are right about that." Kara nods enthusiastically. "Exactly. I knew you would see things my way!" She pats his back again as she turns to go. "I will let you get back to Galactica now. You have a story to prepare for Sharon and I have a wedding night to prepare." She opens her mouth as if to say something else, but apparently decides against it. With another small grin she walks back to her and Sam's living quarters and Helo is left alone with his thoughts.

He wonders what Kara would say if she knew that roughly five years ago Zack Adama almost said the exact same things to him about her. The only difference is that when Zack said them, Helo believed him. His heart wants Kara to be happy, but his mind tells him in no uncertain terms that Kara is far from being the happy blushing bride she should be on her wedding day. Not that Helo dislikes Sam Anders. He actually likes and respects Sam Anders a great deal. And he has no doubt that Sam Anders would make a fine husband – but he is not at all sure that Kara will make the right wife for Sam.

The underlying feeling of panic and stubborn defiance that seemingly radiated from Kara all throughout their recent conversation has left Helo filled with unease. He has not thought about Zack a lot lately, with his own life being turned upside down in a constant vicious circle, but now the old familiar feeling of loss and sorrow overcomes him as he remembers his former roommate. Zack would have made Kara happy, Helo is sure of that. Kara was in a good place with Zack, her body and mind at ease. He does not get this feeling about her now, in fact, he has not felt it coming from her ever since Zack died.

***************

When he returns to Galactica in the afternoon, Helo's mind is still troubled. Sharon is on duty when he enters their private quarters and unlike normally, Helo does not mind her absence. He opens the drawer of his desk and carefully takes out an old and wrinkled sheet of paper. After him, Sharon and Starbuck returned to Galactica he was surprised to find the paper in the box with his belongings that had been kept in one of the storage rooms while he was stuck on Caprica. He had thought about giving it to Starbuck then, but soon forgot about it over the stressful situation with Sharon, her pregnancy and the resentment on board Galactica.

With a soft smile Helo reads the words again he has written so many years ago. When he is done he carefully folds the paper, takes out some matches and sets it on fire. Surprisingly it is a lot easier than he would have thought. Kara has moved on and Helo does not want to hold her back. He now realizes that giving the paper to her would only cause her pain. Maybe the perfect moment to give it to her has come and gone without him noticing. Maybe it was a stupid idea to want to give it to her in the first place.

Soon, all that remains are ashes. Helo gathers the ashes in a small cup and screws the lid on tight. He then places the cup back into his desk drawer. A quick look at the clock tells him that Sharon is just about to get off duty. Helo decides to be a perfect husband and pick his wife up from the hangar deck. With Zack still on his mind he cannot help but chuckle, imagining what Zack would have to say to this development in Helo's love life. He can almost hear his friend's laughter and see the smug grin on his face, as he imagines him saying "I knew you were going to see reason one day." Yes, Helo is quite sure he has actually exceeded Zack's expectation. He takes one last affectionate look at the cup and then closes the drawer.

"Goodbye, my friend."


End file.
